At the right age of getting married, here I am, opened my clinic at the age of 28, and don’t regret a thing and feel so happy about it. Marriage is something, that we Indian kids are taught at a very young age- to get prepared for. The moment you cross 22 – people start looking at you from a ‘possible groom/bride’ point of view.
One thing that I want to make very clear before proceeding is- this article is not ‘against marriage’, it’s for the ‘normality’ of not getting married at the prescribed age or maybe not getting married at all. This is only going to be about me and the way I feel about marriage.
What exactly is marriage?
From what I know, it is a sacred union between two people and two families. But in the last 2-3 years I have been scared of this ‘sacred’ union. With a rapid increase in divorce rates and remarriages. With a huge increase in police cases regarding marriages, I somehow doubt the concept of marrying at all. The main scary thing is, how can something sacred involve police and lawyers when things don’t go right? And let’s be practical about the police and lawyers’ part- we know how tormenting it is when there is interference from these people. How can something that started between two people out of love later transform into such kind of pain?
Maybe, for now, I feel this way – maybe a few years later I won’t feel the same way.
Marriage according to Hindu culture
While growing up, as kids we were somewhat told that the person, we get married to is going to be our partner in our every life as a human being, maybe as an animal too. Still don’t know how much truth it holds- but I trusted it. As a kid, I did dream of getting married someday and having kids, but now it all seems an impossible thing to do. I value our culture a lot because I grew up that way- watching movies, reading sacred texts, reading about our mythology, watching my parents- other’s parents- so I wanted all of it for myself too. But here I am- not a kid anymore and think of complete opposite things to happen in my life.
Now, when I look at people getting divorced after 10-20 years, it’s unreal and unbelievable for me. Good for those who found love and a possible partner after parting ways with their previous partner, but it makes me more ‘against’ marriage. So, what has possibly changed all these years? Earlier men and women both were taught to make the marriage work at any cost, so they didn’t have the liberty to get separated or divorced. Even if the marriage was suffering for them, they still stayed together- because of the same reasons- family pride and society. But now with more acceptance and openness towards divorce and separation- people don’t tolerate it anymore. Now they don’t have the same level of patience as before. The women who used to think that where is she going to go post-divorce earlier are now receiving more acceptance from their families, friends, and their children too. This article is my attempt as a live human being to put my thoughts and feelings about the same in words.
Is it possible to change your ‘better half’?
According to our Hindu culture when women get married, they are known as ‘ardhangni’- which means half of her husband or in simple words ‘better-half’ and same goes for men too. The loyalty between a husband and wife is considered the ‘highest’ dharma. The question is, if society and our relatives want us to get married because of ‘culture and its values’, then are we sure that everything is followed according to the culture? Well, I don’t think so. I have seen people cheating on their husbands and wives even after getting married and let me make it more clear- not just a few people. But 85% of the population cheats on their partner in one way or another. Cheating is not only about sleeping with someone, but other things fall under cheating too(it’s explained under the micro-cheating section of this article). Many scriptures say that once you get married to someone, that marriage cannot be dissolved on any ground- but we all have seen many marriages getting dissolved and resolved. So, with these things happening around- the concept of getting married became a big ‘why’ for me. Maybe those people who dissolved their first marriages, married the wrong person in the first place and maybe now they have found the right person in their second or third marriage, maybe they got married forcefully because of several responsibilities- mainly their family’s pride. But our generation is the most ‘aware’ generation of all time and we want to take the time to decide for ourselves. No matter how modern we have become, or how open-minded we are- but we know how to maintain the balance between our cultural values and our modern way of living.
Why do people get married?
Many factors play a major role in the decision of getting married.
- Can you guess what we hear from our parents when we don’t function according to our society and culture? “Log kya kahenge- what will people say”. This has been the most used sentence by any parent when they travel the path of emotionally blackmailing their children. And I don’t understand why they do this- I mean, it is your child’s life and you still care more about your relatives and society? Why? So, the main reason why many people get married is still because of their family’s pride and their responsibilities as their children.
- Parents want their kids to get married because they think it is their responsibility as parents to get their children married. And this has been the only reason that is told by every parent when asked about the ‘why’ of getting married. I was also told once by my parents- that we are human beings and we cannot pass this life alone, we need someone to stay by our side while living. They also said that if there is any relationship that we don’t have to share with anyone is of ‘husband and wife. I agree with all of this, but there are other things also that come in the marriage pack- like stress, fights, family drama, people-pleasing, and compromising (not normal compromising- the highest level of compromising). I know the next question that must have come to your mind is that ‘these things happen in all kinds of relationships’- yes, it does. But we at least have the liberty of taking some space and time to sort things in normal friendships and relationships, but in marriage and household relationships- we can’t do that! And we all know it, if we do take some space then where does it lead. Maybe the husband and wife are okay with taking space but other members still don’t find it normal.
- The third reason is our various kinds of needs as human beings. There are emotional needs, physical needs, financial needs, the need for belongingness etcetera. I don’t think I need to explain this particular point, but I will still explain. Earlier nothing came easy, but ever since technology boomed – everything is just one swipe away. Dating apps like- tinder, bumble, and ok cupid- are all there to satisfy all kinds of needs of people. Now, they don’t have to wait for themselves to get married to fulfill all these needs. Women nowadays are self-sufficient- they are independent now and don’t feel the need to rely on somebody else to take care of their expenses. Regarding, emotional needs- we have our family, our close friends, and mostly our ‘pets’ for the emotional boost. So, when these needs are getting fulfilled already then why would someone need to tie themselves with a big pile of responsibilities and mental stress?
- Sometimes people get married because of the fear of losing a loved one. For example- there is a couple, girlfriend and boyfriend. And one of their family is forcing the other one to get married- so now the thing is even if the boy doesn’t want to get married yet, but now because of pressure he will do everything to not lose his girlfriend. And because of this, they get married to each other- which in a way is- forced.
- It won’t be wrong to say that many girls want to get married only for the attention that they get during their ‘marriage’ period. All the new clothes, the jewelry, the gifts- everything excites them. But the moment they start leading a normal life with their new families, some of them realize that they shouldn’t have done it or they should have done it later.
People who want to get married by choice are not wrong
There are people within my group- who got married at 23, 25 and they are not wrong. They wanted to get married, so they got married. People do things according to their preferences and beliefs. These people who get married with their own choice, maybe they are happy by doing it that way- but some don’t want the same thing as them. So, is it not wrong to judge someone for not getting married and then force them to get married? People who don’t want to get married know what they are missing out on, they know the consequences, but maybe they just want different things in life.
Early men divided their work based on their physical strength
Earlier, the early men divided their work based on their physical strength. So, the women started taking care of the household and the men would go out and do all kinds of work that needed physical strength. There were no tools at that time, even to utilize the natural resources they had to do a lot of hard work- from carving their tools on their own to collecting woods from forests. It needed a lot of physical strength, so they divided their work in that way. But we are not early men anymore- we have all the resources available, and as men or women- we know that we are capable of role reversals according to the need of the situation. So, my point is what is so difficult to not understand?
The disadvantages of getting married forcefully
We all have seen or heard parents who tell their son after his marriage, “oh! why did I force you to get married, I shouldn’t have”. The same parents who forced their child to get married earlier, later in life complain regarding the same things. They say things like these-
- I wish I hadn’t forced you to get married to this one.
- We should have listened to you more.
- You have changed ever since you got married.
- You only care about your wife now.
- You have forgotten your parents.
- So, you trust your wife more than your mother?
We know that all of these sentences are true. And the scariest part is- it happens in every family, maybe once – maybe every day, but it does happen. Many times the couple has to move out because of family issues, and many times parents do not talk to their child because of their wife/husband. On top of all, the funniest part is- after all the emotional and mental draining, we are told ‘oho, this is how families work!”. No, I don’t want any of it for myself. Nothing of this sort.
What has possibly changed?
When I think of the main reason for myself- it is mainly that I never wished for some imaginary la la land for myself! I know that everything that we sign up for has its advantages and disadvantages. Two-three years ago I was a completely different person who wanted to get married- I knew that there would be issues in my family, but I had this belief that if I’ll be good to people, they’ll be good to me too. Later, people who are already married told me that no matter how good you’re but one day when the same thing will not be reciprocated, then you won’t be ‘good’ yourself anymore. That was the time when I started observing more around me, and it only made me question one thing- is it all worth it? Then I found out that maybe I am just not ready yet. Maybe one day this whole way of thinking is going to change- but for now, I don’t want to get married because in India marriage is not just about two people- it’s about two families along with 100-1000 close relatives & to make it work, you need to take care of all of these people.
Life can be lonely but should be peaceful
Who doesn’t dream of having their kids with someone they love? Who doesn’t dream of living with someone they love? Each one of us dreams of these things happening in our lives. But the problem is when I imagine my life without a husband and kids, then it only makes some part of my life empty and lonely. But on the contrary, when I imagine myself alone- but working, with a few close friends, with my pet, with my own family- then it doesn’t feel bad at all. Being happy was never a priority for me, but being peaceful is. I come from a conservative community, my parents and grandparents are not conservative though! They do ask me to get married but they understand that the times have changed and they trust me with my work. They still ask me every once in a while, if I am ready for getting married and I keep telling them that I am fine this way. But some relatives talk about marriage- who I meet once every 4-5 years face to face. I like their concern, but I wish it was real.
Is it the responsibility of her husband to help her achieve her dreams?
I am disheartened to say this, but educated and uneducated parents-both, they still think that if their girl child wants to pursue her dreams- then it’s the responsibility and decision of her husband and second family to help her or not help her in pursuing her dreams. I asked a lot of people about the same thing- and I got the same answer from 90% of them. They all told me that the main house of the girl is, her in-law’s house as she spends more than half of her life in that house. Is it right? No.
The amount of money that is spent on marriages in India is huge.
Have you heard from your parents or immediate relatives that they have been saving money for your marriage ever since you were born? It is not a hidden fact that marriages that happen in any state of India are done grandly. Most of the time people don’t even have the money, but some take loans from the bank, some borrow money from their friends and families, and some just sell a piece of their land. But why? Why the marriages are done in this way? Imagine if you invest half of this money or at least one-fourth of this money in your child’s work- then maybe you’ll get something in return and your child will be independent for the rest of her life. What is it that motivates Indian parents to spend a huge amount of money on marriages? They do things because of peer pressure/society pressure too. If Verma Ji spent 1cr on his son’s marriage then Sharma Ji is going to spend 1.5cr. This is how it works. Well, too bad!
Ask these questions to yourself if you’re a Parent
There are a few things that I want to write about while concluding this article. When parents force their children to get married, they should at least ask a few questions to themselves.
- What if their child’s marriage falls apart?
- What if the marriage only happens for the sake of getting married but it ends up making their life worse?
- Who will suffer more when things don’t go right- the child or the parents?
- Are you only getting your child married for the sake of fulfilling your responsibilities?
- What if you save money for the child’s work too rather than only saving for marriage?
- What would be a prouder moment for you? To see your child getting married or to watch them become successful because of their work?
- Are you forcing them to get married because of your pride?
It is all about Mindset
Mindset is a very important thing when it comes to making decisions. How a person’s mindset is about something plays a very crucial role in the success or failure of their decision. People who are not ready to get married shouldn’t be forced to get married at any cost because their mindset is already not allowing them to do it. If by any chance someone is forced into marriage then parents should remember that someone who wasn’t ready for this kind of responsibility is only going to run away from that even after getting married. Then who will be left to take care of the one who married that person? The parents and other family members. Most importantly, the so-called society that makes us do things forcefully, is always going to say things. If the child doesn’t get married- they’ll say, “in this age, I had three kids and your child is still unmarried”. If someone gets divorced after a failed marriage, then also they are going to say, “there must be something wrong with the boy or girl that they got divorced”. Now it’s your choice who you should be listening to and focusing on more? Your family and kids or the society, the same society whose some members are always going to talk bad with their big mouth. People who are close to you and wish the best for you are always going to understand and respect your decisions. And you will never have to do anything to please the real people with good intentions for you and your family. So, stop suffering yourself and stop making your child suffer too because of such things.
P.S- when you start wishing for peacefulness rather than happiness, life gets much simpler!
