From pain to possibilities: Breaking free from trauma bonding

Patrick Carnes coined the term ‘trauma bonding’ in 1997. In simple words, trauma bonding is a mixture of love bombing and abuse. If we separate both words, then trauma refers to deep pain, and bonding refers to the emotional, physical, or mental establishment of a bond. In this kind of bonding, the abuser has extreme ways of showing affection and abuse. When the abuser tries to make up for the abuse, they usually try to do that in a grand way too, and this gesture acts as positive reinforcement. The act of positive reinforcement then gives a reason to the victim to forgive them and develop unhealthy forms of attachment with them even after the acts of abuse. This process is known as ‘trauma bonding’. Someone who has gone through abuse as a child is more vulnerable to trauma bonding because they usually don’t know what healthy relationships are like. When a child experiences abuse in their childhood, they start associating love with pain and abuse, followed by kindness and positive reinforcement.

In this kind of relationship, one partner is usually dominant, and the other partner is submissive. One partner has more power, and the other has less or no power. A deep level of emotional attachment plays an important role between the victim and abuser. Kindness, righteousness, gaslighting, and manipulation are some of the main elements of trauma bonding.

 

Signs of trauma bonding

• You are always looking for the right words to explain your point of view to your partner without upsetting them.
• Most of the time, you are unable to convey your feelings and opinions because of the fear of offending them.
• You end up apologizing for things you shouldn’t have.
• You try to settle for things that you wouldn’t want for anybody else.
• You go above and beyond to make the abuser happy.
• You always believe more in their ‘kind’ behavior and try to overlook their abusive conduct.
• You are unable to discuss all these issues with somebody else because of the fear of your partner or because you don’t want people to judge them.
• You are always defending them in front of your friends and family, even after knowing that they are right.
• You are always hopeful that they’ll understand you someday.
• You try to find fault in your behavior to justify the abuse.
• You fight with your loved ones against the abuser.
• You are always ready to forgive them and move on.
• You are highly dependent on them, even after the abuse.

 

Mostly, when someone is in an abusive relationship, one of the partners usually suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. It’s primarily because of narcissistic personality traits that these kinds of abuse happen. Now that the partner thinks highly of themselves and only about their feelings and emotions, it is impossible for them to understand their partner’s needs. They are also seeking admiration, think highly of themselves, believe that they are privileged, lack empathy, are unwilling to fulfill the needs of others, and most importantly, are unable to handle criticism.

 

Like any other bonding, trauma bonding takes time to form too. There are seven stages of trauma bonding.

  The seven stages of trauma bonding

1. Love bombing: this is basically the honeymoon period of relationships. There’s a lot of love and affection displayed during this stage. Love is expressed through gifting, making grand and beautiful gestures, and showing the deepest level of understanding. They shower you with a lot of attention and compliments. They make you feel that they can do anything to make you feel happy. It is the memories of this stage that keep the victim hopeful for change throughout their abusive relationship.
2. Trust and dependency: this is the stage when they try to do everything to make the victim trust them completely and heavily depend on them for validation and decision-making. The victim also depends on their abuser for emotional support because, during the love bombing stage, complete trust and a deep level of attachment have already formed. Now the victim’s life revolves around their abuser.
3. Criticism and devaluation: this is the stage when the abuser starts criticising the victim. It can be about their clothes, friends, family, career, behavior, opinions, emotions, or anything else that they are not ready to accept. Since they want to have the victim only for themselves, they start criticizing everything that’s related to the victim’s personal life. Now, because the victim trusts them and their intentions, they find it hard to question the abuser. This is the stage when the victim starts doubting themselves and tries to look for fault within themselves. They try hard to make the abuser show the same affection and love again as they did during the love bombing stage.
4. Gaslighting: in this stage, the abuser tries to take full control over the victim by deceiving and manipulating the victim emotionally. The abuser tries to make the victim believe things that are not true. Gaslighting damages the victim’s self-esteem. They question their own perception and sanity and again search for validation from the abuser. The victim more often tries to put the blame on their partner for everything that goes wrong in their relationship. You can read more about gaslighting in relationships by clicking on this link: gaslighting in relationships.
5. Resignation: the victim ‘gives up’ in this stage and tries to make peace with the toxic relationship. By this stage, the victim finds it difficult to leave their abuser and works toward stabilizing the relationship.
6. Loss of self: the victim experiences no sense of self because of the abuse. No matter how much the victim tries to fight back, it only gets worse. So, to escape the pain, the victim accepts everything that the abuser says. No sense of self-esteem or self-confidence makes it hard for them to have opinions and desires of their own. They start fearing the abuser. The victim has no awareness of their boundaries, which makes them completely dependent on the abuser for small or big decisions.
7. Emotional addiction: this is the stage where the victim finds themselves trapped in the cycle of dependency. It happens because the victim gets addicted to the highs and lows; it’s because their body is constantly high on stress, and they start craving dopamine released by stress. It is the same as substance addiction. The victim, after enduring abuse, now expects small moments of kindness or positive gestures due to the toxic cycle of abuse.

How do you break a trauma bond?

• Awareness: Recognise the bond and understand what a trauma bond is and how it might be affecting your life. Sometimes we find it difficult to acknowledge the mistakes of those we love and who are dear to us. But you should acknowledge and accept that the relationship is harmful and unhealthy for you.
• Seek support: Try to talk to your close friends or family members who can support you emotionally and if you’re uncomfortable sharing with them, talk to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in trauma and abusive relationships. You can also join a support group for survivors of abuse.

• Set boundaries: Learn to establish clear boundaries with the person who has caused you harm. And the moment you are sure about their intentions, limit or cut off contact with them.
• Practice self-care: You should learn to prioritise your own physical, mental, and emotional health. There are many ways to take care of yourself—engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Make your own self-care routine that makes you feel better.

• Challenge negative thoughts: Sometimes we find it hard to go away from the abuser because of love. But you should recognize and challenge your thoughts and beliefs that keep you tied to the abuser. Instead of looking for faults in yourself, try to look at the situation from an observer’s point of view. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations and thoughts. Most of the time, we tend to suffer more because of the fear of being left alone or the fear of starting over with someone new, but that is an unhealthy way of thinking. To end your suffering, one must learn to let go of those who are abusive.
• Process your emotions:  As discussed above, most of the time, the fear of leaving someone stops us from breaking our bond with them. But you should allow yourself to feel the range of emotions that come with breaking the bond. You can start journaling, doing artwork, or doing any other activity you like. And if you are unable to process your emotions by yourself, consider therapy or counselling.
• Create a supportive environment: Create a positive and safe space in your home and surround yourself with people who understand you, uplift you, and support you.

• Practice mindfulness and meditation: Mindfulness techniques help us stay grounded in the present situation. Focus your attention and awareness on the present moment without judgment. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations because it helps cultivate an attitude of openness, curiosity, and acceptance.
• Be patient and kind to yourself: Sometimes, when we seek help, we often feel overwhelmed because of the range of emotions we feel. But you should remind yourself that healing takes time, that it is a process, and that setbacks are a normal part of the process.
• Consider legal options: If necessary, consider legal advice for your safety and protection.

• Start living in the moment; shift your focus away from dwelling on what might have been, and instead, pay attention to the things happening around you right now. Work towards being mindful and aware of the ongoing occurrences in your immediate surroundings.
• Create your new reality: It is important to move forward by creating new goals and dreams without being dependent on the presence or influence of the person who was a significant part of your life previously. Focus on engaging in activities that bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment; explore various options; try new things, hobbies, or experiences that you’ve always been curious about. The process of exploration can help you discover what resonates with you on a deeper level, bringing you closer to understanding your own passions and interests.

 

Remember, this is your life, and you have the power to shape it according to your own desires and preferences. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and take steps towards living a life that aligns with your values and brings you genuine happiness. Breaking a trauma bond is a journey, and it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the process. Remember, you deserve to be in healthy and supportive relationships.

 

PS- “You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you”- Brian Tracy