What is gaslighting?
It is basically a technique where a person tries to deceive and emotionally manipulate someone, a form of emotional abuse. It is mainly done to make the victim believe things that are not true. The practice of gaslighting on the victim undermines their confidence level which ultimately results in damaging the victim’s self-esteem. The person who practices this technique is known as ‘gaslighter’. The gaslighter deliberately messes with the head of the victim to that extent where the victim starts doubting their perception of reality and their sanity. Also, they look out for emotional validation from the gaslighter. The gaslighter can be a person who is very close to you or someone you meet often– a friend, partner, family member, colleague etc. The gaslighter abuses the victim to such extent that the victim doubts their judgement about things and themselves. People who engage in gaslighting are often narcissistic and are habitual liars. They do this to maintain their sense of power and control. It is also described as “the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality” (as mentioned in this article Everyday Feminism). If gaslighting is ignored, it can have a long-term impact on our physical, emotional and mental wellbeing. Therefore, if you feel that you have been facing something similar to this- you should talk to a close friend, a close family member or a therapist.
The origin of the term ‘Gaslighting’
The term gaslighting was derived from the title of a British stage play in 1938, ‘Gas light’. It was later produced as a film in 1940 in United Kingdom and in 1944 in United States. In one scene Gregory (the husband) manipulates his wife Paula (wife) by turning on the gaslights of the attic of their house, which resulted in the flickering of those gaslights. Later when Paula questions about the flickering of those gaslights, Gregory denies it and makes her believe that it’s all in her head and the lights are not flickering. It caused her to doubt her own perception of reality and thats why the term ‘gaslighting’.
Signs of Gaslighting
- You start doubting your feelings and your judgement.
- You feel alone and insecure.
- You start thinking that maybe you’re too sensitive.
- You feel threatened when you’re around the gaslighter.
- You try to fulfil the unreasonable demands of people.
- You start using ‘sorry’ a lot.
- You are unable to make decisions by yourself.
- You feel confused and anxious most of the times.
- You worry about things most of the times.
- You start feeling hopeless and frustrated.
Gaslighting in relationships
Even though gaslighting might happen in any relationship, yet the strongest and the most impactful forms of gaslighting happens in romantic relationships. And gaslighting only happens if the other person (the gas lighter) has a strong impact on you. The most common sentences used by the gaslighters are:
- You are too sensitive.
- You don’t trust me at all.
- You keep complaining about everything.
- You are too demanding.
- You never understand me.
- You don’t remember anything.
- I never said that.
- You trust others more than me.
- I am not angry, don’t overthink.
- You are terrible and that is the only reason why no one likes you.
- Stop controlling me.
- You keep fighting with me.
- I was just kidding about that, stop over reacting to that.
- I only stop you from doing other things, because I am always worried about you.
- You need to work better on choosing the right time to talk.
- You’ve become so emotional.
- Don’t be so dramatic.
- You are so ungrateful.
- You are very insecure.
- You need to work on yourself.
Why do people become Gaslighters?
Sometimes gaslighting happens only to avoid a conflict or control the relationship. When people see it working, they start practicing it more and makes it a way of handling their relationships. By doing this, they try to avoid responsibility and gain power in that relationship. It is basically learned from people around us, which can be termed as ‘social learning’. We learn things (good or bad) from people around us, when we see it working for them- we start practicing it in our own lives too.
Another reason is, some people like to dominate over other people because it makes them feel powerful. Their need for domination sometimes stems from psychological disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder (sociopath & psychopath).
What to do when you’re being Gaslighted?
- First of all, identify the origin of the issue that keeps on repeating between you and the gas lighter.
- Start maintaining a daily journal about how you felt and what went wrong during an unpleasant conversation. Then take an objective look at it, and find any signs of repeated reactions and signs of repeated denial from the gaslighter.
- Try to figure out if the same conversation is happening again and again even after discussing about it endless number of times.
- Try to talk to a close family member or a close friend if you find yourself trapped in the same loop of unwanted emotions and feelings. It’s always nice to talk about things troubling you. Also, if you are unable to talk about it in front of your friends and family, then seek out help from a mental health expert.
- Sometimes the gaslighter is someone who is really close to us and it makes it difficult to let go of such relationship. But try to imagine yourself without this person and the toxicity that arises because of them.
- The most important part is to remind yourself to not feel sad just because you couldn’t change someone’s opinion. You cannot control other people and the only person who you can control is you- yourself.
- Lastly, no matter how hard it is to imagine your life without the person who is gaslighting you, but if you don’t decide for yourself- no one else can and no one else will. Self- care is the most important step in all kinds of healing processes.
Free yourself from this kind of abuse
Gaslighting damages the self- esteem and emotional stability of the victim. It makes it difficult for the victim to trust people around them once they go through such trauma over the years. It makes it hard for them to get back to their normal self. It is very important for the victims to surround themselves with people who validate them and their reality as it will help them build a positive environment around them.
P.S- “Be you, love you. All ways, always― Alexandra Elle”
