‘Expectations are premeditated resentments’
What happens when people don’t behave the way you want them to? What happens when someone fails to fulfill your expectations of them? It hurts, right? No matter how many times we tell ourselves that we are not going to expect too much from our loved ones, we still end up doing that unconsciously or consciously. The only difference between people who expect and don’t expect it is that some people show it and talk about it, whereas some don’t. Deep down, we all expect, more or less, but we do. We expect life to happen according to our preset course of life, but when it doesn’t, we get disappointed and hopeless. When we expect from our close ones and if they fail to fulfill those expectations, it results in ‘resentment’. For example, if you have been a good partner and always stayed by your partner’s side during their low times, then you might expect them to take care of you in your bad times too. But the only problem with this kind of thinking is that when these expectations don’t get fulfilled, you start hurting more from the inside in your bad times, which might result in depression and anxiety.
Expectations are hurtful
As human beings, it is in our nature to expect and look forward to receiving the same amount of love and care that we offer to others, but it can never be reciprocated in the same way. It can be more than what you offered them, may be less, or maybe nothing at all, but it’s never going to be done the same way. When our near and dear ones don’t support us the way we want them to during our bad times, we forget about the main reason and start hurting more because of the lack of “expected” support that we wanted from our loved ones. When unfulfilled, expectations make us do things that we regret doing later. It makes us angry and builds a large amount of resentment inside of us for that person. And resentment of any kind only affects the relationships negatively.
Learn to distinguish between standards and expectations
Now the biggest question is, if I can’t expect anything, then why am I surrounded by these relationships? Most of the times, we confuse standards with expectations. Standards are set to determine the quality of anything that we want in our lives. Instead of setting expectations, you must set a certain standard for that relationship. If your loved ones fail to behave or provide within those standards, then you know what needs to be done. Standards should be discussed one-on-one so that you can take full control of yourself and your behavior.
Being emotionally dependent is the root cause
Often, we ask our family and friends to support us emotionally and mentally when we are going through something. Sometimes these expectations get fulfilled and sometimes they don’t, and when they don’t, it makes us weaker and more vulnerable than before. Looking out for support is one thing, but expecting support from someone else for the betterment of our emotional well-being is a completely different thing. How can we give someone else the power to control our emotional well-being? Sometimes people can deliver the same kind of emotional support that we expect from them. But sometimes they have their issues to deal with and are unable to comply with your demands or requests. At least once in your life, you must have gone through this kind of experience where your partner was going through something and you needed them but they couldn’t fulfill your expectations and couldn’t provide you with the kind of support you were hoping for. Can you recall how it went for both of you? Not great, right? So, this is what happens when you base your behavior on someone else’s behavior towards you. To have someone around to count on is a great blessing, but when we start expecting compulsively- it ruins that relationship. So, it’s a good thing to set standards not expectations!
Examples of some unrealistic expectations:
- You expect your partner to spend all of their free time with you.
- You expect them to be physically present whenever you are going through a rough patch.
- You expect them to say sorry first.
- You expect them to make you feel special after every fight or argument.
- You expect them to guess the reason why you are upset.
- You expect them to read your mind every time.
- You expect them to always say the right thing.
- You expect them to make you their priority all the time.
- You expect them to share the same thoughts and values.
These are the most common expectations in relationships, and they are not healthy at all. We must remind ourselves of one thing: no matter how long we have known each other, or how long and old our relationships are, we are one separate individual, and we need to accept the fact that, as individuals, we are all different. We can never be on the same page as our partners or our family members. So, we must learn to accept them as who they are instead of pushing them to change themselves. If they fail to fall under your “standards”, then it’s up to you whether you want to let them go or not, but do not decide anything based on these unfulfilled expectations.
Psychological effects of unfulfilled expectations
Expectations result in stress, anxiety, depression, and anger issues too. We should communicate well with our partners, friends, or family members if we want them to understand something. When we silently expect something from people without them knowing, it makes them angry, frustrated, resentful, and avoidant. It affects the quality of the relationship that we share with them. So, rather than alienating them, we should learn to communicate peacefully so that we can express our feelings and emotions clearly. If they still fail to meet those standards (not expectations), then you should be strong enough to let that relationship go.
“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations” ― Jodi Picoult
